Update!

WELL HELLLLLLLLO. 

I haven't updated in over a week because I've been sick & tired & honestly haven't felt like it. I feel better today though & I feel like writing. In my last post I wrote about how Justin & I were going to do the seven days of sex challenge, well, we didn't. Only because I ended up getting sick, which is such a shame! We succeeded Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I got sick on Monday morning & I've felt horrible all week. Luckily I got some antibiotics yesterday & I already feel loads better today! So maybe we can start that challenge again soon, we were doing good! Especially because we were having fun with it & bought some new bedroom treats.

Besides being sick & not having sex, I've been trying to get Stella's mood swings under control. I've never seen a child act like she does. Don't get me wrong, she isn't a devil child, it's actually somewhat cute, it's just that I can't allow her to think having a bad attitude is okay. I honestly think it's a trait from Justin's family, but I've been doing some research & it says that I should be really happy that she's acting like that. It shows that she's developing & becoming a real person. We shall see how long this phase lasts.

I colored my hair lavender this week & I love it. I think I'm the only one though, besides some girls on facebook, haha. My mother hates it & Justin doesn't seem too interested in it. He hasn't said that he doesn't like it, but he hasn't really complimented me on it. I'm fine with that though, it's not for them, it's for me & I ADORE IT. I also got some organic coconut oil to do a weekly treatment on my hair & it smells so good, I just want to rub it all over my body because it smells so good. I feel like I really want to go shopping for some clothes, but last time I went I tried on about fifteen things & bought only one just because I'm so picky. That kind of makes me not want to waste my time on it.

Tomorrow Justin is going to sit a home with Stella while I take a trip to Denton. I'm going to go color my friends hair for her & then we're going to go eat & catch up. I have to make sure to not get caught up in the fun though because I need to head back home before dark because I'm blind at night & can't drive. I seriously mean that, it sucks. Before I head back home though I'm going to buy some groceries at Whole Foods. I'm craving seafood & they have a really fresh & really large seafood selection. Plus, I just need to pick up your typical groceries. Organic & healthy. I'm looking forward to cooking us some refreshing meals this week.

My insurance finally came through & it's the biggest relief. I've seriously been so stressed out & crying over this for months now. It has really taken it's toll on me, the stress of not being able to see your unborn child, to know if it's okay. To even know if YOU'RE okay, because you are already a mother & she needs you too. Not having any prenatal care for an entire trimester. IT IS EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. But to make things even worse, or piss me off even more, I've had insurance this whole time! Let me just tell you what happened:

I applied for pregnancy Medicaid when I first found out I was pregnant, that was at the beginning of March. Whenever I applied when I was pregnant with Stella, I got approved that day & left with it that day. This time, I turned in my application & the woman said it would take 30 days for me to get approved. Um, why? Anyway, however many weeks later I get a document in the mail saying I was denied the insurance because I was already being covered by Medicaid. Well, at this time I absolutely was not so I went to the H&HS office & told them. The woman looked things up & said the issue was that someone who worked there submitted my application twice & all she had to do was delete one & RESUBMIT MY FIRST APPLICATION & WAIT THIRTY DAYS. I'm sorry, but no, I shouldn't be punished because someone else can't do their job. I left though, hoping they would get things worked out. A couple weeks later I went back to ask about the status of my insurance. The woman helping me said I wasn't even in the system, she said there was nothing saying that I ever applied for Medicaid. Well, at this point I got so frustrated that I literally started crying & saying, "I just want to see my baby." Well, luckily there was a lady there who recognized me & she confirmed that I had indeed applied recently. After an hour of computer work, they got the state to send them my application. They said they would call me. Of course they never called, so yesterday, yet again, I checked on my insurance & they told me I needed to turn in some documents. Documents that had already been turned in! I couldn't believe it, really. They have been screwing up & dragging me around for months. I decided to just leave & not even deal with them anymore. I ended up coming home & calling that Texas Help 211 number. Well, guess what?! The woman on there was so kind & helped me so much, she told me that not only had I been approved for Medicaid, but that I've had it this entire time. She said my card should be here any day. She then told me that Stella has Medicaid & dental insurance (they said she didn't). The woman gave me our ID numbers for everything, she gave us our expiration dates for our insurance. EVERYTHING. So yes, I'm very grateful for Dink & myself to have insurance now & I'm very grateful for that woman. I absolutely will not count on the horrible women at the H&HS office anymore. I will just be making a simple phone call in the comfort of my own home.

Anyway, our appointment is Thursday!!!

This is just about doin' it.

I'm watching 7 Days of Sex & it has really got me thinking. It's a show on Lifetime that encourages couples who are having problems or who are in a rut to have sex for seven days in a row & usually after those seven days the relationship is a lot better. That's not surprising though, because sex really is such an important part of a relationship, although a lot of people will deny that. It has me thinking about trying it with Justin & myself. 

I wouldn't say our sex life is suffering, we have sex around three times a week. Anyone with children or anyone with a partner who has a very strenuous work schedule will tell you simply finding time for the deed is difficult. That's our problem, it's not that we don't want to get together every day, it's just that it's hard to find the time with our schedules. Justin works nights so he sleeps during the day & usually when we are both awake at the same time we are enjoying time as a family, with Stella. Because of all of those obstacles, we can only escape at certain, strange times, just whenever our lives will allow it. Now, I have a very strong sex drive & frankly, three times a week is nothing to me. When Justin & I first got together, we would have sex multiple times throughout the day & surprisingly that same behavior carried on until I had Stella. Even when I was nine plus months pregnant we were getting it on all day long. Of course, since Stella has been born & Justin has been working the night shift, that's simply not possible anymore. I miss it, I do. Don't get me wrong, whenever we do end up doing the deed it's always amazing. I genuinely mean that it's amazing, more often than not I cry because it's so intensely amazing. Justin is a very in tune lover, his entire idea of being fantastic in that sense is listening to the woman. He listens to every suggestion, every wish, want or desire. He listens to every noise during the actual action. He says he's not pleased unless I am completely satisfied, which makes me feel so incredibly lucky because I know plenty of guys who think they may be like that but they're not, or guys who simply aren't like that at all. He'll ask questions or he'll ask me to show him something, he is just the best. Naturally, I behave the same, it's only fair that we are both extremely pleased. I will admit though, I think he's a little better at it.

Justin hasn't been with a lot of women, actually. He didn't even become sexually active until he was much older & has only been with two people other than me. With the other girls the sex wasn't even frequently. He's the abnormal. I think I'm quite average in the sense that I became sexually active in high school & I've had a couple of partners throughout the years. Either way though, Justin & I have experienced so many firsts together. He's the only guy I have ever been with who is even close to the same level of sexual curiosity or perverseness that I am, which is honestly saying a lot. I could scare a lot of people away. It's the same on his end, I'm the only girl that he's been intimate with that is really comfortable doing & trying a lot of things. With that being said, we have experienced a lot together, which is really such an extremely intimate thing & makes our bond even tighter.

Our sex varies as well. The locations & positions are a constant change, but just the type of sex changes too. Sometimes it's quick & effortless, other times it will last for an hour & our bodies ache & we're drenched in sweat. Sometimes it's very slow & sweet, other times slow & full of fiery passion. There have been plenty of occasions where it has been so much fun & full of surprises & other times when it's just funny & awkward, but we are so comfortable around each other that even those types of sessions are okay.

As you may be able to tell, the passion is there & the satisfaction is there. It's just not happening as much as I would like. I've decided that starting Saturday, we will have sex for seven days straight. I'm not going to ambush him & say, "I'M GETTING SOME ACTION EVERY DAY THIS WEEK OR ELSE." No, I plan on informing him of the plan so we can work at it together. Because seriously, it wouldn't be that much fun if I were the only one doing the pursuing. I do plan to have fun with it though & do things that are on the romantic & sexy side. Maybe candles, a bubble bath, a massage, a sexy outfit? Who knows. Or, maybe some days it will be quick & fun. Either way, I'm really looking forward to this & who knows what kind of effect it will have on our relationship.

A new attitude!

Stella & I have been staying at my parent's house for quite a few days now since our carpets are STILL WET. Ugh, don't even get me started, I am so completely furious about it. I keep saying, "Tomorrow we're going to go break our lease." Yet we keep putting it off. I've had enough of it, I'm losing my mind. I genuinely think I'm losing my mind. I cannot stand staying here. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents & so does Stella & they love us. We all have a great relationship & there hasn't been any fighting or arguing since we have been here. Stella & I have been staying in the room I grew up in & we do feel comfortable, plus my mother loves getting to bond with Dink every day. BUT, there is nothing like having your own home, especially once you have a child. Not to mention, two families under one roof never ever works out. I can tell I have started to feel a little more depressed about things since staying here, just because I long for a decent home & the routine & privacy that we did have even in our dump of a house. Before things get worse & the stress starts to effect my relationship with Justin, my parents & possibly my pregnancy, I AM GOING TOMORROW TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE. If Justin wants to tag along, then so be it, if not then that's okay too. Either way I plan to be out of that house by the end of the month & finally, FINALLY have a place I enjoy. I think we are going to go through with the temporary-apartment-while-searching-for-a-home-to-purchase idea. I'm also going to put my foot down & GET MY INSURANCE TOMORROW. I don't know what's taking the "state" so long, two months to be exact, but it's crucial that I go to the doctor. I have yet to see my little baby, it makes me anxious & worried & tear up just thinking about. I don't know what has happened to me today but it's like someone lit a fire beneath me & here I go!

Speaking of fire, I have heart burn right now. I've never tried a banana pepper in my life, but I just ate a bowl full for dinner. Obviously, that's the pregnancy. Today my cravings have been amazing & I wish they would stay that way. I've just been eating salad & more salad & vegetables all day. It's just all so refreshing. I did treat myself though, I had a crunchy corner piece of a brownie because that's my favorite.

Baby Dinkus woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, that's for sure. She has had a poor attitude all day. She has also had her very sweet moments too though. I think she gave me more kisses today than she has ever given me total, all on her own too. I think she was also fussy today because she had gas. She woke up tooting like a grown man & continued with it throughout the day, hahaha. I gave her some gas drops though, which for some reason she loves & could drink the entire bottle if she were allowed. I let her sit on my lap today & watch that stupid Nyan Cat video on youtube & she was cracking up. She was clapping & snorting, acting like it was the funniest thing she has EVER watched. I had to pause it though to do something & her little heart broke. She started sobbing, tears everywhere, she was devastated. She just couldn't understand why I would take such a glorious thing away from her. Bad mommy! She went to sleep pretty easy tonight, but I know she'll wake up. She's been waking up during the night since we've been staying here. She's never done that, not even when she was a newborn.

Mothers Day is this weekend & I think Justin might be taking me on an adult shopping trip. Any time a special occasion comes up or reason that I should be receiving a gift I always choose toys ;) Always. That's probably too much for you guys, but I'm literally so excited because I already know of two items that I HAVE TO HAVE. I guess I'll end things there.

Dinky watching The Fresh Beat Band in a paper sack. She has two bruises on her forehead because she was dancing in front of the entertainment center & fell into it :(

Fuss butt.

I have been so incredibly grumpy today. Every single thing has been getting on my nerves & making me mad. I'm sure it's just a combination of pregnancy hormones & stress. Not to mention I kind of have a poor attitude to begin with, unfortunately. I wanted Stella & myself to go grocery shopping at Whole Foods earlier but she was too fussy so I laid her down for a nap & she ended up sleeping for four hours. Needless to say, we never went. I also wanted to color my hair today, I bought the color & developer last week but I have yet to use it. I chose to skip doing that today because I was too cranky to even mess with it, hahah. Instead while Dinky was napping I laid down & watched an America's Next Top Model marathon & I'm sure that show irritates every girl with body image problems...which is any girl who exists. 

I'm just irritable & that is all. Plus, I'm craving cake so bad it's ridiculous.

Ladies night in.

Tonight was a good little break from all of the stress going on in my life right now. 

My brother & his wife invited Stella & myself over for dinner & naturally we said yes! My brother & his wife just moved into a new house last week & it is so adorable, it's just quaint & comfortable & cozy. It's very clean too, you can tell people have really taken care of it over the years. Dink & I ate a delicious dinner with them & the I laid her down for a nap in their bed. They have a dog, Aja, & she's a really old Boxer/Lab mix. Stella thought Aja was the greatest thing on Earth! Aja had never been around a baby before, ever, so she was TERRIFIED of Stella. Dinky was chasing Aja throughout the entire house, room to room & it was so cute. I was laughing so hard. Spending time over at their new place made me feel somewhat sad, sad that we don't have a comfortable place to call home. Stella ended up taking a pretty short nap, so she woke up cranky. My mom called me to ask what I was doing & I told her that my sister in-law & myself were about to watch an American Idol marathon because she had missed a lot since they were moving, but had recorded all of them. I know, I know, we are lame. My mom said that since we were just going to watch TV then she wanted to spend time with "her girl," Stella, hahah. My brother was leaving anyway to do some work so he dropped Stella off at my mom's on the way, right down the street. My mom & Stella are so close. My mom & myself are very, very close & my mom says Stella reminds her of me when I was little, so she just melts my mom's heart. My sister in-law & myself ended up having real talk for about two hours, which I enjoyed. Then we got our Idol party started. I had already watched them all before so it really wasn't that exciting for me, but still a good time. Now I'm home & my sweet baby is tucked in, sleeping tight.

They came to look at our floors today at our house. Of course they said & did anything & everything to avoid the situation & to make it look like we are crazy so they wont have to put money towards the house to fix it. We're breaking our lease in the morning. I'm actually nervous for some reason, I guess because I know how extremely rude those realtors are. Ugh, wish us luck.

We had a great weekend!

Yesterday was a lot of fun! My mom is half Italian, from her dad's side. All of her Italian family lives in Detroit & unfortunately I've never got to meet any of them. But yesterday her cousin Greg & his daughter Jenna came to visit & it was really cool & fun. Well, actually they came on Thursday but I just met them yesterday. We had a huge family cook out at my aunts & we haven't had one of those in way too long! We always have get togethers at my parents house, but that usually just includes myself & my family plus my siblings & their families, but that's it. It has been way too long since all of the cousins, aunts & uncles were together. Stella just wore her swimsuit & got her first taste of summer. She had never gone swimming before, but she didn't really like the pool. I think it confused her, I'm sure she wondered why her bath was cool. Wanting to try something else, we let her play in the sprinkler & the was the cutest. I don't think she liked that too much either so it didn't last long, but the faces she was making was cracking us up. I took a lot of good videos. She was so good the entire day, which I can honestly say was surprising because of the rough night she had before. 

Since Justin was off of work yesterday my mom watched Stella for us so we could go watch The Avengers after all of the family business was over. Justin has been talking about this movie for six months now. For anyone who doesn't know Justin, he is your typical comic book nerd. In his office he has boxes upon boxes of organized comics & he stays caught up with them religiously, that's his thing. He's the geeky comic book guy. Anyway, we both absolutely loved it & we're probably going to go see it again in a couple days because we are that ridiculous. Although, next time we go I will not eat my weight in popcorn & Reeses Pieces. I had a stomach ache for the rest of the night, hahahah.

Justin had to drop his sister off in Dallas today, so Dinky & myself just hung out at my mom's with her all day. Today was a pretty lazy day, nothing eventful happened at all. While Stella played with her toys on the floor I relaxed on the couch & watched an I Survived marathon, I get so sucked into that show, omg. Once Justin got back from dropping off his sister he went to sleep since he had to go back to work tonight, so I didn't really get to see him which is disappointing. That was my day...nothing.

Tomorrow they are sending someone to come look at our house & hopefully finally let us know why our floors are constantly wet. I have already decided that if the carpet doesn't get ripped up & replaced, in every room, & QUICKLY, then we are leaving. It's not fair for us to have to stay in that. I know they wont do that though, so we have already been checking out apartments. Ha!

 When we first surprised Dink with the sprinkler she just wasn't sure about it!

 I'm looking a little rough from the heat & Stella is wearing this extremely tacky & goofy bandana to be funny, but this is the only mommy/daughter picture that we got on Saturday.

Last night in my sleep I asked Justin if it would be embarrassing if I started reading Goosebumps again. Today when he came home from Dallas he had a "present" for me. Ha!

I'm keeping it short, for once.

Stella slept horribly last night, which means I did too. She didn't fall asleep until 1:30 tonight & that's without a nap all day so you can only imagine how enjoyable she was. I feel sorry for her though, she is just so excited about life that she can't calm down long enough to relax & sleep. She looked absolutely pitiful once I finally got her to sleep. Her eyes were all red & puffy & she just looked like a zombie. It really broke my heart.

 Dinky & her daddy watching morning cartoons. He makes her watch Boomerang because that's what he likes. She likes Yo Gabba Gabba.

 After she had a grilled cheese, apples, & apple juice for lunch. Then she had a bug for dessert, that's how she got that red mark on her head. She knew I was coming to get the nasty critter away from her & she tried to escape me.

At almost one she was still going strong, yet so tired. She was miserable but instead of going to sleep she was still trying to have a good time, for some reason. I'm so sick & tired of her bangs always hanging down in her face. I think she will be getting her first haircut soon!

Today, Dinky & Pregnancy.

Well, hello guys! Compared to yesterday I've felt pretty good today. I guess yesterday was just one of those days & I guess I just needed to get some things out because today I woke up fairly early (it's a start) & did my make up & got dressed. I actually left the house (ha!) to run some errands & I actually enjoyed it, I even got to see a woman throw a fit at Sally's, hahahah. I also made plans with someone who I haven't talked to in way too long. Today was a good day, I'm aiming for tomorrow to be a great day. There's a lot of things that I want to accomplish tomorrow, I just have to push myself. Hopefully I'll slowly start to get out of this rut & my true self will emerge again.

Stella has turned into a different child than she was just two weeks ago. Every day she perfects the art of throwing a fit. She swats at you now & I don't know where she learned that since we absolutely do not swat her. I take that back, we did once because she almost electrocuted herself! It was just on her hand though & unfortunately she thought it was a game. That was weeks ago though, so I don't know where she has learned this new hitting thing. Oh & yes, it is out of anger, it's only when she is getting "in trouble" for something. She's also learned to scream. EAR PIERCING SCREAMS. They aren't followed by tears, it's just her screaming out of frustration whenever she is getting the remote taken away from her or she's getting her diaper changed. Changing her diaper now takes two people! That little baby has a very strong independent streak & an attitude problem! I will admit though, I'm sure she gets both of those from her Ma'am. On Wednesday she growled at Justin & I tried to be quiet about it, but it made me laugh to hard that I teared up. We were at Ihop & she was shoving too much food in her mouth & it was dangerous so Justin took her plate of scrambled eggs away from her, just long enough for her to finish what was already stuffed in her cheeks. She slammed her hand on the table & did her best Simba growl (she has a Lion King obsession). It was so loud & she was so red in the face, she was genuinely angry about her eggs & it was so cute. On Wednesday she also stood up without holding onto anything. Out of nowhere she just pulled herself up & just stared at Justin & myself. It wasn't until we started smiling & she started clapping for herself that she ended up falling, about 30 seconds later. Even with her stubborn attitude she is still such a doll. I cannot stress how much personality that girl has. I honestly don't know how she's going to handle having a little brother or sister. Nor do I know if her sibling is going to be a lot like her, now that would be a lot to handle, hahah.

At around twelve/thirteen weeks pregnant I'm just now having some pregnancy symptoms. I'm very exhausted, I wasn't aware that it was possible for anyone to be this miserably tired. I'm also having food cravings, the worst kind, too. All I want is junk food. Chips & cookies. Candy & more chips. Sweet & salty. With Dinky I craved a lot of fruit & nuts my first trimester, Taco Bell MEAT, too, gross. This time around I'm also craving fish. ANY kind of seafood is just calling my name. It's actually making my stomach growl just thinking about it, how pathetic. I've gained three pounds so far. I gained 100 with Stella. I had Preeclampsia with her though, so a lot of it was water weight. I lost fifty pounds the first week after delivery. I've noticed that my C-Section scar is getting somewhat sore. Whenever I lift my arms abruptly or I have a button from my pants pushing on it, it starts to ache a little. I read about it & I saw that during any pregnancy after a C-Section the discomfort of your scar is a really annoying big deal that only gets worse as you get bigger, which makes sense. Great. I'm quite positive that I felt baby number two move the other night. I know it's pretty early for that, but I felt Stella really early & I know it's not uncommon to feel the baby move even earlier during your second pregnancy. I'm almost positive it was the flutters of the little babe. Another symptom that I've been having is that I've been in the mood for sex, a lot of it. Honestly, I'm a really sexual person anyway & I enjoy doing it & luckily Justin is on the same level as I am. But lately instead of just wanting to be intimate I feel like I need it, hahah. Whenever I was pregnant with Dinky I was also very, um, riled up. Some of the best sex I have ever had was when I was expecting with her. I know that's all a bit personal, but isn't all of this? I have the hardest time not talking about my sex life on here. It's so difficult because I just get so excited about it. Maybe I'll make an entirely new blog just about that....it's a thought.

Humiliating misery.

I feel like I'm going to make multiple posts today. I just have a lot that I want to talk about....to no one....whoever stumbles upon this. I don't mind though, just getting things out helps a lot. I just laid Stella down for a nap & it was surprisingly easy today. She has been hard to lay down for over a week now, but today she snuggled up in the chair with me & passed right out.

Train of thought, how quick it changes. One thing  pops into your mind & within seconds it has led you to something else completely. That happens to everyone every day, of course, but my mind keeps leading me to a certain time in my life. A time that I miss & I cannot for the life of me think of why, compared to all that I have now. This morning I turned on a House marathon. I will use this point in my story to say that is the greatest show ever created, in my opinion, I own every season & still watch repeats on TV daily! Anyway, while watching House I remembered when I first entered my "House obsession" phase, which was about three years ago. That's the whole, moving train of thought thing I was talking about.

Three years ago I lived in my very first house, it was my first time to move out from my parents. My boyfriend at the time & myself rented the house. Kody, he was my first serious boyfriend & we were together for over three years, which is like ten years in high school time. Kody & I actually ended our relationship because of my friendship with Justin, who is my fiance now. It's interesting how things work out. I loved mine & Kody's house. I honestly don't know why, it wasn't really nice or anything. It was just a tiny, cozy, older house. We painted every single room crazy colors & I had that place decorated so cute! It was just very homey. Plus, we had all of our cats & dogs living with us & at that time THEY were my kids. I loved them all & spoiled them so much. I remember a normal day in that house: I would wake up early every day & Kody would be at work (I had a part time job at this time, that I loved!) as soon as I would wake up I would take a shower, get dressed, do my make up & get cute for the day. I would wake up full of energy, cook myself something for breakfast & go ahead & set out dinner. I would usually feed the animals after that & then water all of the plants, because I had a lot of gorgeous flowers at that house. During the morning hours I would run any errands that needed to be ran & not have a problem doing it. Every day I would do laundry, sweep & mop all of the floors, do all of the dishes, I would even make our bed every morning. I made sure our house was spotless every day & I actually enjoyed doing it, I was proud of my home. During all of that I would even have time to curl up on the couch with our pack of kitties & watch a movie or Jon & Kate Plus 8 or House or Food Network. Once Kody got home from work I would cook us dinner, every night. We would sit at the dining room table & eat & afterwards I would straighten the house from our dinner mess. After dinner we would usually get in our pajamas & watch TV together until bed time, which is when we would crawl into bed together & snuggle, always at a decent hour. I even remember living in that house & inviting our parents over for dinner. Inviting our friends over for cookouts.

The reason I listed all of these boring & normal things is because my life is no longer like that, not  at all. I miss it & I long for it but I don't know how to change it. Here's the difference: Justin & I have yet to live in a house that I even remotely enjoy. Our first house was a dump, it really was. We had just had Stella & we were desperate to get our own place & so we rushed things. Which came back to bite us because we ended up breaking our lease because the house was hell. Now we're in our second home, another dump. Another rushed situation since we had to leave our first house in such a hurry. There's so many things wrong with the house we live in now, that after only a couple months, we are planning on terminating our lease again. It's so annoying & frustrating & I just want all of us to have a stable, nice home that we feel comfortable in & that we can be proud of. Another difference is our animal situation. I am a complete animal lover, maybe even too much. Once having Stella I gave away all of my cats except for one, who is an outside cat. I just felt overwhelmed having a newborn & taking care of a load of felines too. I miss them though, which I know is pathetic, but I think about them all the time. I'm glad I don't have them though, I probably wouldn't take care of them. I say that because since having Stella I have become a completely different person. I literally have no energy, for almost a year now. It could be because I'm still getting used to be a mom, or I could be a little depressed. I don't know, but I mean it when I say I cannot get motivated about anything & I don't know why. I asked for two dogs, which we have in our backyard, but I never pay them any attention nor do I feed & water them. Justin has to. I wish I didn't waste every day, but I do. I no longer wake up early, I usually don't wake up until about one in the afternoon & once I'm up I'm not productive. I hardly ever get dressed & it's rare for me to do my make up. I usually just stay in my pajamas all day. It's not that I don't have the time, because I do, I just never feel like it. Once I'm up, don't count on me leaving the house for anything. Justin usually has to go run any errands we have, because again, I cannot get motivated to go anywhere. I never clean our house. Now, I will say that our house is never "dirty" because we aren't dirty people. We throw trash away & we put clothes in the hamper, we don't leave food out & I vacuum the floors for Stella to play on. But, I never really CLEAN. Like, deep clean our house. Our house is tidy & I'm sure it's what most people live in, but I used to meticulous about cleaning. I would Windex every window in our house & clean every ceiling fan weekly! I have the state of mind that we already live in a shit hole, how is my constant scrubbing & cleaning going to make it any better? I know that's not right, but I'm just so bitter because of our bad luck in houses. When we first moved into this house I tried to be the perfect home maker, like I used to be, but it just wasn't working out. I'm just always too tired, plus it doesn't really make a difference nor does it really get noticed. I just decided why do it? Cooking used to be my favorite thing, I would cook breakfast, lunch & dinner. I actually looked into going to culinary school. It used to be my passion. Now, I can't even remember the last time I cooked. I just never have the energy to do it now. I've probably only cooked for my fiance a handful of times, which is so sad. Another big difference about my life now is that after dinner there is no night filled with laughter & love & family time. Justin works nights, so it's just Stella & myself. Once Dink goes to sleep, it's just me. I'm all alone all night every night. I use that time to just dwell on sad & negative things in my life, & missing Justin. I stay up all night doing nothing but feeling lonely & feeling sorry for myself. Justin & I don't hang out with people, we aren't in contact with his family. We have never had any get togethers nor have we ever invited anyone over for dinner, we have just become boring.

I love Stella with everything I have. She is my world & just seeing her face & seeing her smile every day makes life worth living. Watching her grow & learn warms my heart. I have always wanted to be a mother & surprisingly, being a mom is the easiest thing I've ever done. I just don't understand what has caused this drastic, negative change in the other aspects of my life. I don't understand why I can't get motivated to change things...things that are SO EASY to change. I just don't understand.