Humiliating misery.

I feel like I'm going to make multiple posts today. I just have a lot that I want to talk about....to no one....whoever stumbles upon this. I don't mind though, just getting things out helps a lot. I just laid Stella down for a nap & it was surprisingly easy today. She has been hard to lay down for over a week now, but today she snuggled up in the chair with me & passed right out.

Train of thought, how quick it changes. One thing  pops into your mind & within seconds it has led you to something else completely. That happens to everyone every day, of course, but my mind keeps leading me to a certain time in my life. A time that I miss & I cannot for the life of me think of why, compared to all that I have now. This morning I turned on a House marathon. I will use this point in my story to say that is the greatest show ever created, in my opinion, I own every season & still watch repeats on TV daily! Anyway, while watching House I remembered when I first entered my "House obsession" phase, which was about three years ago. That's the whole, moving train of thought thing I was talking about.

Three years ago I lived in my very first house, it was my first time to move out from my parents. My boyfriend at the time & myself rented the house. Kody, he was my first serious boyfriend & we were together for over three years, which is like ten years in high school time. Kody & I actually ended our relationship because of my friendship with Justin, who is my fiance now. It's interesting how things work out. I loved mine & Kody's house. I honestly don't know why, it wasn't really nice or anything. It was just a tiny, cozy, older house. We painted every single room crazy colors & I had that place decorated so cute! It was just very homey. Plus, we had all of our cats & dogs living with us & at that time THEY were my kids. I loved them all & spoiled them so much. I remember a normal day in that house: I would wake up early every day & Kody would be at work (I had a part time job at this time, that I loved!) as soon as I would wake up I would take a shower, get dressed, do my make up & get cute for the day. I would wake up full of energy, cook myself something for breakfast & go ahead & set out dinner. I would usually feed the animals after that & then water all of the plants, because I had a lot of gorgeous flowers at that house. During the morning hours I would run any errands that needed to be ran & not have a problem doing it. Every day I would do laundry, sweep & mop all of the floors, do all of the dishes, I would even make our bed every morning. I made sure our house was spotless every day & I actually enjoyed doing it, I was proud of my home. During all of that I would even have time to curl up on the couch with our pack of kitties & watch a movie or Jon & Kate Plus 8 or House or Food Network. Once Kody got home from work I would cook us dinner, every night. We would sit at the dining room table & eat & afterwards I would straighten the house from our dinner mess. After dinner we would usually get in our pajamas & watch TV together until bed time, which is when we would crawl into bed together & snuggle, always at a decent hour. I even remember living in that house & inviting our parents over for dinner. Inviting our friends over for cookouts.

The reason I listed all of these boring & normal things is because my life is no longer like that, not  at all. I miss it & I long for it but I don't know how to change it. Here's the difference: Justin & I have yet to live in a house that I even remotely enjoy. Our first house was a dump, it really was. We had just had Stella & we were desperate to get our own place & so we rushed things. Which came back to bite us because we ended up breaking our lease because the house was hell. Now we're in our second home, another dump. Another rushed situation since we had to leave our first house in such a hurry. There's so many things wrong with the house we live in now, that after only a couple months, we are planning on terminating our lease again. It's so annoying & frustrating & I just want all of us to have a stable, nice home that we feel comfortable in & that we can be proud of. Another difference is our animal situation. I am a complete animal lover, maybe even too much. Once having Stella I gave away all of my cats except for one, who is an outside cat. I just felt overwhelmed having a newborn & taking care of a load of felines too. I miss them though, which I know is pathetic, but I think about them all the time. I'm glad I don't have them though, I probably wouldn't take care of them. I say that because since having Stella I have become a completely different person. I literally have no energy, for almost a year now. It could be because I'm still getting used to be a mom, or I could be a little depressed. I don't know, but I mean it when I say I cannot get motivated about anything & I don't know why. I asked for two dogs, which we have in our backyard, but I never pay them any attention nor do I feed & water them. Justin has to. I wish I didn't waste every day, but I do. I no longer wake up early, I usually don't wake up until about one in the afternoon & once I'm up I'm not productive. I hardly ever get dressed & it's rare for me to do my make up. I usually just stay in my pajamas all day. It's not that I don't have the time, because I do, I just never feel like it. Once I'm up, don't count on me leaving the house for anything. Justin usually has to go run any errands we have, because again, I cannot get motivated to go anywhere. I never clean our house. Now, I will say that our house is never "dirty" because we aren't dirty people. We throw trash away & we put clothes in the hamper, we don't leave food out & I vacuum the floors for Stella to play on. But, I never really CLEAN. Like, deep clean our house. Our house is tidy & I'm sure it's what most people live in, but I used to meticulous about cleaning. I would Windex every window in our house & clean every ceiling fan weekly! I have the state of mind that we already live in a shit hole, how is my constant scrubbing & cleaning going to make it any better? I know that's not right, but I'm just so bitter because of our bad luck in houses. When we first moved into this house I tried to be the perfect home maker, like I used to be, but it just wasn't working out. I'm just always too tired, plus it doesn't really make a difference nor does it really get noticed. I just decided why do it? Cooking used to be my favorite thing, I would cook breakfast, lunch & dinner. I actually looked into going to culinary school. It used to be my passion. Now, I can't even remember the last time I cooked. I just never have the energy to do it now. I've probably only cooked for my fiance a handful of times, which is so sad. Another big difference about my life now is that after dinner there is no night filled with laughter & love & family time. Justin works nights, so it's just Stella & myself. Once Dink goes to sleep, it's just me. I'm all alone all night every night. I use that time to just dwell on sad & negative things in my life, & missing Justin. I stay up all night doing nothing but feeling lonely & feeling sorry for myself. Justin & I don't hang out with people, we aren't in contact with his family. We have never had any get togethers nor have we ever invited anyone over for dinner, we have just become boring.

I love Stella with everything I have. She is my world & just seeing her face & seeing her smile every day makes life worth living. Watching her grow & learn warms my heart. I have always wanted to be a mother & surprisingly, being a mom is the easiest thing I've ever done. I just don't understand what has caused this drastic, negative change in the other aspects of my life. I don't understand why I can't get motivated to change things...things that are SO EASY to change. I just don't understand.