Update!

WELL HELLLLLLLLO. 

I haven't updated in over a week because I've been sick & tired & honestly haven't felt like it. I feel better today though & I feel like writing. In my last post I wrote about how Justin & I were going to do the seven days of sex challenge, well, we didn't. Only because I ended up getting sick, which is such a shame! We succeeded Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I got sick on Monday morning & I've felt horrible all week. Luckily I got some antibiotics yesterday & I already feel loads better today! So maybe we can start that challenge again soon, we were doing good! Especially because we were having fun with it & bought some new bedroom treats.

Besides being sick & not having sex, I've been trying to get Stella's mood swings under control. I've never seen a child act like she does. Don't get me wrong, she isn't a devil child, it's actually somewhat cute, it's just that I can't allow her to think having a bad attitude is okay. I honestly think it's a trait from Justin's family, but I've been doing some research & it says that I should be really happy that she's acting like that. It shows that she's developing & becoming a real person. We shall see how long this phase lasts.

I colored my hair lavender this week & I love it. I think I'm the only one though, besides some girls on facebook, haha. My mother hates it & Justin doesn't seem too interested in it. He hasn't said that he doesn't like it, but he hasn't really complimented me on it. I'm fine with that though, it's not for them, it's for me & I ADORE IT. I also got some organic coconut oil to do a weekly treatment on my hair & it smells so good, I just want to rub it all over my body because it smells so good. I feel like I really want to go shopping for some clothes, but last time I went I tried on about fifteen things & bought only one just because I'm so picky. That kind of makes me not want to waste my time on it.

Tomorrow Justin is going to sit a home with Stella while I take a trip to Denton. I'm going to go color my friends hair for her & then we're going to go eat & catch up. I have to make sure to not get caught up in the fun though because I need to head back home before dark because I'm blind at night & can't drive. I seriously mean that, it sucks. Before I head back home though I'm going to buy some groceries at Whole Foods. I'm craving seafood & they have a really fresh & really large seafood selection. Plus, I just need to pick up your typical groceries. Organic & healthy. I'm looking forward to cooking us some refreshing meals this week.

My insurance finally came through & it's the biggest relief. I've seriously been so stressed out & crying over this for months now. It has really taken it's toll on me, the stress of not being able to see your unborn child, to know if it's okay. To even know if YOU'RE okay, because you are already a mother & she needs you too. Not having any prenatal care for an entire trimester. IT IS EXTREMELY STRESSFUL. But to make things even worse, or piss me off even more, I've had insurance this whole time! Let me just tell you what happened:

I applied for pregnancy Medicaid when I first found out I was pregnant, that was at the beginning of March. Whenever I applied when I was pregnant with Stella, I got approved that day & left with it that day. This time, I turned in my application & the woman said it would take 30 days for me to get approved. Um, why? Anyway, however many weeks later I get a document in the mail saying I was denied the insurance because I was already being covered by Medicaid. Well, at this time I absolutely was not so I went to the H&HS office & told them. The woman looked things up & said the issue was that someone who worked there submitted my application twice & all she had to do was delete one & RESUBMIT MY FIRST APPLICATION & WAIT THIRTY DAYS. I'm sorry, but no, I shouldn't be punished because someone else can't do their job. I left though, hoping they would get things worked out. A couple weeks later I went back to ask about the status of my insurance. The woman helping me said I wasn't even in the system, she said there was nothing saying that I ever applied for Medicaid. Well, at this point I got so frustrated that I literally started crying & saying, "I just want to see my baby." Well, luckily there was a lady there who recognized me & she confirmed that I had indeed applied recently. After an hour of computer work, they got the state to send them my application. They said they would call me. Of course they never called, so yesterday, yet again, I checked on my insurance & they told me I needed to turn in some documents. Documents that had already been turned in! I couldn't believe it, really. They have been screwing up & dragging me around for months. I decided to just leave & not even deal with them anymore. I ended up coming home & calling that Texas Help 211 number. Well, guess what?! The woman on there was so kind & helped me so much, she told me that not only had I been approved for Medicaid, but that I've had it this entire time. She said my card should be here any day. She then told me that Stella has Medicaid & dental insurance (they said she didn't). The woman gave me our ID numbers for everything, she gave us our expiration dates for our insurance. EVERYTHING. So yes, I'm very grateful for Dink & myself to have insurance now & I'm very grateful for that woman. I absolutely will not count on the horrible women at the H&HS office anymore. I will just be making a simple phone call in the comfort of my own home.

Anyway, our appointment is Thursday!!!

This is just about doin' it.

I'm watching 7 Days of Sex & it has really got me thinking. It's a show on Lifetime that encourages couples who are having problems or who are in a rut to have sex for seven days in a row & usually after those seven days the relationship is a lot better. That's not surprising though, because sex really is such an important part of a relationship, although a lot of people will deny that. It has me thinking about trying it with Justin & myself. 

I wouldn't say our sex life is suffering, we have sex around three times a week. Anyone with children or anyone with a partner who has a very strenuous work schedule will tell you simply finding time for the deed is difficult. That's our problem, it's not that we don't want to get together every day, it's just that it's hard to find the time with our schedules. Justin works nights so he sleeps during the day & usually when we are both awake at the same time we are enjoying time as a family, with Stella. Because of all of those obstacles, we can only escape at certain, strange times, just whenever our lives will allow it. Now, I have a very strong sex drive & frankly, three times a week is nothing to me. When Justin & I first got together, we would have sex multiple times throughout the day & surprisingly that same behavior carried on until I had Stella. Even when I was nine plus months pregnant we were getting it on all day long. Of course, since Stella has been born & Justin has been working the night shift, that's simply not possible anymore. I miss it, I do. Don't get me wrong, whenever we do end up doing the deed it's always amazing. I genuinely mean that it's amazing, more often than not I cry because it's so intensely amazing. Justin is a very in tune lover, his entire idea of being fantastic in that sense is listening to the woman. He listens to every suggestion, every wish, want or desire. He listens to every noise during the actual action. He says he's not pleased unless I am completely satisfied, which makes me feel so incredibly lucky because I know plenty of guys who think they may be like that but they're not, or guys who simply aren't like that at all. He'll ask questions or he'll ask me to show him something, he is just the best. Naturally, I behave the same, it's only fair that we are both extremely pleased. I will admit though, I think he's a little better at it.

Justin hasn't been with a lot of women, actually. He didn't even become sexually active until he was much older & has only been with two people other than me. With the other girls the sex wasn't even frequently. He's the abnormal. I think I'm quite average in the sense that I became sexually active in high school & I've had a couple of partners throughout the years. Either way though, Justin & I have experienced so many firsts together. He's the only guy I have ever been with who is even close to the same level of sexual curiosity or perverseness that I am, which is honestly saying a lot. I could scare a lot of people away. It's the same on his end, I'm the only girl that he's been intimate with that is really comfortable doing & trying a lot of things. With that being said, we have experienced a lot together, which is really such an extremely intimate thing & makes our bond even tighter.

Our sex varies as well. The locations & positions are a constant change, but just the type of sex changes too. Sometimes it's quick & effortless, other times it will last for an hour & our bodies ache & we're drenched in sweat. Sometimes it's very slow & sweet, other times slow & full of fiery passion. There have been plenty of occasions where it has been so much fun & full of surprises & other times when it's just funny & awkward, but we are so comfortable around each other that even those types of sessions are okay.

As you may be able to tell, the passion is there & the satisfaction is there. It's just not happening as much as I would like. I've decided that starting Saturday, we will have sex for seven days straight. I'm not going to ambush him & say, "I'M GETTING SOME ACTION EVERY DAY THIS WEEK OR ELSE." No, I plan on informing him of the plan so we can work at it together. Because seriously, it wouldn't be that much fun if I were the only one doing the pursuing. I do plan to have fun with it though & do things that are on the romantic & sexy side. Maybe candles, a bubble bath, a massage, a sexy outfit? Who knows. Or, maybe some days it will be quick & fun. Either way, I'm really looking forward to this & who knows what kind of effect it will have on our relationship.

A new attitude!

Stella & I have been staying at my parent's house for quite a few days now since our carpets are STILL WET. Ugh, don't even get me started, I am so completely furious about it. I keep saying, "Tomorrow we're going to go break our lease." Yet we keep putting it off. I've had enough of it, I'm losing my mind. I genuinely think I'm losing my mind. I cannot stand staying here. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents & so does Stella & they love us. We all have a great relationship & there hasn't been any fighting or arguing since we have been here. Stella & I have been staying in the room I grew up in & we do feel comfortable, plus my mother loves getting to bond with Dink every day. BUT, there is nothing like having your own home, especially once you have a child. Not to mention, two families under one roof never ever works out. I can tell I have started to feel a little more depressed about things since staying here, just because I long for a decent home & the routine & privacy that we did have even in our dump of a house. Before things get worse & the stress starts to effect my relationship with Justin, my parents & possibly my pregnancy, I AM GOING TOMORROW TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE. If Justin wants to tag along, then so be it, if not then that's okay too. Either way I plan to be out of that house by the end of the month & finally, FINALLY have a place I enjoy. I think we are going to go through with the temporary-apartment-while-searching-for-a-home-to-purchase idea. I'm also going to put my foot down & GET MY INSURANCE TOMORROW. I don't know what's taking the "state" so long, two months to be exact, but it's crucial that I go to the doctor. I have yet to see my little baby, it makes me anxious & worried & tear up just thinking about. I don't know what has happened to me today but it's like someone lit a fire beneath me & here I go!

Speaking of fire, I have heart burn right now. I've never tried a banana pepper in my life, but I just ate a bowl full for dinner. Obviously, that's the pregnancy. Today my cravings have been amazing & I wish they would stay that way. I've just been eating salad & more salad & vegetables all day. It's just all so refreshing. I did treat myself though, I had a crunchy corner piece of a brownie because that's my favorite.

Baby Dinkus woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, that's for sure. She has had a poor attitude all day. She has also had her very sweet moments too though. I think she gave me more kisses today than she has ever given me total, all on her own too. I think she was also fussy today because she had gas. She woke up tooting like a grown man & continued with it throughout the day, hahaha. I gave her some gas drops though, which for some reason she loves & could drink the entire bottle if she were allowed. I let her sit on my lap today & watch that stupid Nyan Cat video on youtube & she was cracking up. She was clapping & snorting, acting like it was the funniest thing she has EVER watched. I had to pause it though to do something & her little heart broke. She started sobbing, tears everywhere, she was devastated. She just couldn't understand why I would take such a glorious thing away from her. Bad mommy! She went to sleep pretty easy tonight, but I know she'll wake up. She's been waking up during the night since we've been staying here. She's never done that, not even when she was a newborn.

Mothers Day is this weekend & I think Justin might be taking me on an adult shopping trip. Any time a special occasion comes up or reason that I should be receiving a gift I always choose toys ;) Always. That's probably too much for you guys, but I'm literally so excited because I already know of two items that I HAVE TO HAVE. I guess I'll end things there.

Dinky watching The Fresh Beat Band in a paper sack. She has two bruises on her forehead because she was dancing in front of the entertainment center & fell into it :(

Fuss butt.

I have been so incredibly grumpy today. Every single thing has been getting on my nerves & making me mad. I'm sure it's just a combination of pregnancy hormones & stress. Not to mention I kind of have a poor attitude to begin with, unfortunately. I wanted Stella & myself to go grocery shopping at Whole Foods earlier but she was too fussy so I laid her down for a nap & she ended up sleeping for four hours. Needless to say, we never went. I also wanted to color my hair today, I bought the color & developer last week but I have yet to use it. I chose to skip doing that today because I was too cranky to even mess with it, hahah. Instead while Dinky was napping I laid down & watched an America's Next Top Model marathon & I'm sure that show irritates every girl with body image problems...which is any girl who exists. 

I'm just irritable & that is all. Plus, I'm craving cake so bad it's ridiculous.

Ladies night in.

Tonight was a good little break from all of the stress going on in my life right now. 

My brother & his wife invited Stella & myself over for dinner & naturally we said yes! My brother & his wife just moved into a new house last week & it is so adorable, it's just quaint & comfortable & cozy. It's very clean too, you can tell people have really taken care of it over the years. Dink & I ate a delicious dinner with them & the I laid her down for a nap in their bed. They have a dog, Aja, & she's a really old Boxer/Lab mix. Stella thought Aja was the greatest thing on Earth! Aja had never been around a baby before, ever, so she was TERRIFIED of Stella. Dinky was chasing Aja throughout the entire house, room to room & it was so cute. I was laughing so hard. Spending time over at their new place made me feel somewhat sad, sad that we don't have a comfortable place to call home. Stella ended up taking a pretty short nap, so she woke up cranky. My mom called me to ask what I was doing & I told her that my sister in-law & myself were about to watch an American Idol marathon because she had missed a lot since they were moving, but had recorded all of them. I know, I know, we are lame. My mom said that since we were just going to watch TV then she wanted to spend time with "her girl," Stella, hahah. My brother was leaving anyway to do some work so he dropped Stella off at my mom's on the way, right down the street. My mom & Stella are so close. My mom & myself are very, very close & my mom says Stella reminds her of me when I was little, so she just melts my mom's heart. My sister in-law & myself ended up having real talk for about two hours, which I enjoyed. Then we got our Idol party started. I had already watched them all before so it really wasn't that exciting for me, but still a good time. Now I'm home & my sweet baby is tucked in, sleeping tight.

They came to look at our floors today at our house. Of course they said & did anything & everything to avoid the situation & to make it look like we are crazy so they wont have to put money towards the house to fix it. We're breaking our lease in the morning. I'm actually nervous for some reason, I guess because I know how extremely rude those realtors are. Ugh, wish us luck.

We had a great weekend!

Yesterday was a lot of fun! My mom is half Italian, from her dad's side. All of her Italian family lives in Detroit & unfortunately I've never got to meet any of them. But yesterday her cousin Greg & his daughter Jenna came to visit & it was really cool & fun. Well, actually they came on Thursday but I just met them yesterday. We had a huge family cook out at my aunts & we haven't had one of those in way too long! We always have get togethers at my parents house, but that usually just includes myself & my family plus my siblings & their families, but that's it. It has been way too long since all of the cousins, aunts & uncles were together. Stella just wore her swimsuit & got her first taste of summer. She had never gone swimming before, but she didn't really like the pool. I think it confused her, I'm sure she wondered why her bath was cool. Wanting to try something else, we let her play in the sprinkler & the was the cutest. I don't think she liked that too much either so it didn't last long, but the faces she was making was cracking us up. I took a lot of good videos. She was so good the entire day, which I can honestly say was surprising because of the rough night she had before. 

Since Justin was off of work yesterday my mom watched Stella for us so we could go watch The Avengers after all of the family business was over. Justin has been talking about this movie for six months now. For anyone who doesn't know Justin, he is your typical comic book nerd. In his office he has boxes upon boxes of organized comics & he stays caught up with them religiously, that's his thing. He's the geeky comic book guy. Anyway, we both absolutely loved it & we're probably going to go see it again in a couple days because we are that ridiculous. Although, next time we go I will not eat my weight in popcorn & Reeses Pieces. I had a stomach ache for the rest of the night, hahahah.

Justin had to drop his sister off in Dallas today, so Dinky & myself just hung out at my mom's with her all day. Today was a pretty lazy day, nothing eventful happened at all. While Stella played with her toys on the floor I relaxed on the couch & watched an I Survived marathon, I get so sucked into that show, omg. Once Justin got back from dropping off his sister he went to sleep since he had to go back to work tonight, so I didn't really get to see him which is disappointing. That was my day...nothing.

Tomorrow they are sending someone to come look at our house & hopefully finally let us know why our floors are constantly wet. I have already decided that if the carpet doesn't get ripped up & replaced, in every room, & QUICKLY, then we are leaving. It's not fair for us to have to stay in that. I know they wont do that though, so we have already been checking out apartments. Ha!

 When we first surprised Dink with the sprinkler she just wasn't sure about it!

 I'm looking a little rough from the heat & Stella is wearing this extremely tacky & goofy bandana to be funny, but this is the only mommy/daughter picture that we got on Saturday.

Last night in my sleep I asked Justin if it would be embarrassing if I started reading Goosebumps again. Today when he came home from Dallas he had a "present" for me. Ha!

I'm keeping it short, for once.

Stella slept horribly last night, which means I did too. She didn't fall asleep until 1:30 tonight & that's without a nap all day so you can only imagine how enjoyable she was. I feel sorry for her though, she is just so excited about life that she can't calm down long enough to relax & sleep. She looked absolutely pitiful once I finally got her to sleep. Her eyes were all red & puffy & she just looked like a zombie. It really broke my heart.

 Dinky & her daddy watching morning cartoons. He makes her watch Boomerang because that's what he likes. She likes Yo Gabba Gabba.

 After she had a grilled cheese, apples, & apple juice for lunch. Then she had a bug for dessert, that's how she got that red mark on her head. She knew I was coming to get the nasty critter away from her & she tried to escape me.

At almost one she was still going strong, yet so tired. She was miserable but instead of going to sleep she was still trying to have a good time, for some reason. I'm so sick & tired of her bangs always hanging down in her face. I think she will be getting her first haircut soon!

Today, Dinky & Pregnancy.

Well, hello guys! Compared to yesterday I've felt pretty good today. I guess yesterday was just one of those days & I guess I just needed to get some things out because today I woke up fairly early (it's a start) & did my make up & got dressed. I actually left the house (ha!) to run some errands & I actually enjoyed it, I even got to see a woman throw a fit at Sally's, hahahah. I also made plans with someone who I haven't talked to in way too long. Today was a good day, I'm aiming for tomorrow to be a great day. There's a lot of things that I want to accomplish tomorrow, I just have to push myself. Hopefully I'll slowly start to get out of this rut & my true self will emerge again.

Stella has turned into a different child than she was just two weeks ago. Every day she perfects the art of throwing a fit. She swats at you now & I don't know where she learned that since we absolutely do not swat her. I take that back, we did once because she almost electrocuted herself! It was just on her hand though & unfortunately she thought it was a game. That was weeks ago though, so I don't know where she has learned this new hitting thing. Oh & yes, it is out of anger, it's only when she is getting "in trouble" for something. She's also learned to scream. EAR PIERCING SCREAMS. They aren't followed by tears, it's just her screaming out of frustration whenever she is getting the remote taken away from her or she's getting her diaper changed. Changing her diaper now takes two people! That little baby has a very strong independent streak & an attitude problem! I will admit though, I'm sure she gets both of those from her Ma'am. On Wednesday she growled at Justin & I tried to be quiet about it, but it made me laugh to hard that I teared up. We were at Ihop & she was shoving too much food in her mouth & it was dangerous so Justin took her plate of scrambled eggs away from her, just long enough for her to finish what was already stuffed in her cheeks. She slammed her hand on the table & did her best Simba growl (she has a Lion King obsession). It was so loud & she was so red in the face, she was genuinely angry about her eggs & it was so cute. On Wednesday she also stood up without holding onto anything. Out of nowhere she just pulled herself up & just stared at Justin & myself. It wasn't until we started smiling & she started clapping for herself that she ended up falling, about 30 seconds later. Even with her stubborn attitude she is still such a doll. I cannot stress how much personality that girl has. I honestly don't know how she's going to handle having a little brother or sister. Nor do I know if her sibling is going to be a lot like her, now that would be a lot to handle, hahah.

At around twelve/thirteen weeks pregnant I'm just now having some pregnancy symptoms. I'm very exhausted, I wasn't aware that it was possible for anyone to be this miserably tired. I'm also having food cravings, the worst kind, too. All I want is junk food. Chips & cookies. Candy & more chips. Sweet & salty. With Dinky I craved a lot of fruit & nuts my first trimester, Taco Bell MEAT, too, gross. This time around I'm also craving fish. ANY kind of seafood is just calling my name. It's actually making my stomach growl just thinking about it, how pathetic. I've gained three pounds so far. I gained 100 with Stella. I had Preeclampsia with her though, so a lot of it was water weight. I lost fifty pounds the first week after delivery. I've noticed that my C-Section scar is getting somewhat sore. Whenever I lift my arms abruptly or I have a button from my pants pushing on it, it starts to ache a little. I read about it & I saw that during any pregnancy after a C-Section the discomfort of your scar is a really annoying big deal that only gets worse as you get bigger, which makes sense. Great. I'm quite positive that I felt baby number two move the other night. I know it's pretty early for that, but I felt Stella really early & I know it's not uncommon to feel the baby move even earlier during your second pregnancy. I'm almost positive it was the flutters of the little babe. Another symptom that I've been having is that I've been in the mood for sex, a lot of it. Honestly, I'm a really sexual person anyway & I enjoy doing it & luckily Justin is on the same level as I am. But lately instead of just wanting to be intimate I feel like I need it, hahah. Whenever I was pregnant with Dinky I was also very, um, riled up. Some of the best sex I have ever had was when I was expecting with her. I know that's all a bit personal, but isn't all of this? I have the hardest time not talking about my sex life on here. It's so difficult because I just get so excited about it. Maybe I'll make an entirely new blog just about that....it's a thought.

Humiliating misery.

I feel like I'm going to make multiple posts today. I just have a lot that I want to talk about....to no one....whoever stumbles upon this. I don't mind though, just getting things out helps a lot. I just laid Stella down for a nap & it was surprisingly easy today. She has been hard to lay down for over a week now, but today she snuggled up in the chair with me & passed right out.

Train of thought, how quick it changes. One thing  pops into your mind & within seconds it has led you to something else completely. That happens to everyone every day, of course, but my mind keeps leading me to a certain time in my life. A time that I miss & I cannot for the life of me think of why, compared to all that I have now. This morning I turned on a House marathon. I will use this point in my story to say that is the greatest show ever created, in my opinion, I own every season & still watch repeats on TV daily! Anyway, while watching House I remembered when I first entered my "House obsession" phase, which was about three years ago. That's the whole, moving train of thought thing I was talking about.

Three years ago I lived in my very first house, it was my first time to move out from my parents. My boyfriend at the time & myself rented the house. Kody, he was my first serious boyfriend & we were together for over three years, which is like ten years in high school time. Kody & I actually ended our relationship because of my friendship with Justin, who is my fiance now. It's interesting how things work out. I loved mine & Kody's house. I honestly don't know why, it wasn't really nice or anything. It was just a tiny, cozy, older house. We painted every single room crazy colors & I had that place decorated so cute! It was just very homey. Plus, we had all of our cats & dogs living with us & at that time THEY were my kids. I loved them all & spoiled them so much. I remember a normal day in that house: I would wake up early every day & Kody would be at work (I had a part time job at this time, that I loved!) as soon as I would wake up I would take a shower, get dressed, do my make up & get cute for the day. I would wake up full of energy, cook myself something for breakfast & go ahead & set out dinner. I would usually feed the animals after that & then water all of the plants, because I had a lot of gorgeous flowers at that house. During the morning hours I would run any errands that needed to be ran & not have a problem doing it. Every day I would do laundry, sweep & mop all of the floors, do all of the dishes, I would even make our bed every morning. I made sure our house was spotless every day & I actually enjoyed doing it, I was proud of my home. During all of that I would even have time to curl up on the couch with our pack of kitties & watch a movie or Jon & Kate Plus 8 or House or Food Network. Once Kody got home from work I would cook us dinner, every night. We would sit at the dining room table & eat & afterwards I would straighten the house from our dinner mess. After dinner we would usually get in our pajamas & watch TV together until bed time, which is when we would crawl into bed together & snuggle, always at a decent hour. I even remember living in that house & inviting our parents over for dinner. Inviting our friends over for cookouts.

The reason I listed all of these boring & normal things is because my life is no longer like that, not  at all. I miss it & I long for it but I don't know how to change it. Here's the difference: Justin & I have yet to live in a house that I even remotely enjoy. Our first house was a dump, it really was. We had just had Stella & we were desperate to get our own place & so we rushed things. Which came back to bite us because we ended up breaking our lease because the house was hell. Now we're in our second home, another dump. Another rushed situation since we had to leave our first house in such a hurry. There's so many things wrong with the house we live in now, that after only a couple months, we are planning on terminating our lease again. It's so annoying & frustrating & I just want all of us to have a stable, nice home that we feel comfortable in & that we can be proud of. Another difference is our animal situation. I am a complete animal lover, maybe even too much. Once having Stella I gave away all of my cats except for one, who is an outside cat. I just felt overwhelmed having a newborn & taking care of a load of felines too. I miss them though, which I know is pathetic, but I think about them all the time. I'm glad I don't have them though, I probably wouldn't take care of them. I say that because since having Stella I have become a completely different person. I literally have no energy, for almost a year now. It could be because I'm still getting used to be a mom, or I could be a little depressed. I don't know, but I mean it when I say I cannot get motivated about anything & I don't know why. I asked for two dogs, which we have in our backyard, but I never pay them any attention nor do I feed & water them. Justin has to. I wish I didn't waste every day, but I do. I no longer wake up early, I usually don't wake up until about one in the afternoon & once I'm up I'm not productive. I hardly ever get dressed & it's rare for me to do my make up. I usually just stay in my pajamas all day. It's not that I don't have the time, because I do, I just never feel like it. Once I'm up, don't count on me leaving the house for anything. Justin usually has to go run any errands we have, because again, I cannot get motivated to go anywhere. I never clean our house. Now, I will say that our house is never "dirty" because we aren't dirty people. We throw trash away & we put clothes in the hamper, we don't leave food out & I vacuum the floors for Stella to play on. But, I never really CLEAN. Like, deep clean our house. Our house is tidy & I'm sure it's what most people live in, but I used to meticulous about cleaning. I would Windex every window in our house & clean every ceiling fan weekly! I have the state of mind that we already live in a shit hole, how is my constant scrubbing & cleaning going to make it any better? I know that's not right, but I'm just so bitter because of our bad luck in houses. When we first moved into this house I tried to be the perfect home maker, like I used to be, but it just wasn't working out. I'm just always too tired, plus it doesn't really make a difference nor does it really get noticed. I just decided why do it? Cooking used to be my favorite thing, I would cook breakfast, lunch & dinner. I actually looked into going to culinary school. It used to be my passion. Now, I can't even remember the last time I cooked. I just never have the energy to do it now. I've probably only cooked for my fiance a handful of times, which is so sad. Another big difference about my life now is that after dinner there is no night filled with laughter & love & family time. Justin works nights, so it's just Stella & myself. Once Dink goes to sleep, it's just me. I'm all alone all night every night. I use that time to just dwell on sad & negative things in my life, & missing Justin. I stay up all night doing nothing but feeling lonely & feeling sorry for myself. Justin & I don't hang out with people, we aren't in contact with his family. We have never had any get togethers nor have we ever invited anyone over for dinner, we have just become boring.

I love Stella with everything I have. She is my world & just seeing her face & seeing her smile every day makes life worth living. Watching her grow & learn warms my heart. I have always wanted to be a mother & surprisingly, being a mom is the easiest thing I've ever done. I just don't understand what has caused this drastic, negative change in the other aspects of my life. I don't understand why I can't get motivated to change things...things that are SO EASY to change. I just don't understand.

A new home? Possibly?

We found a beautiful house today! It's out of our price range, but we could handle it. The house has been completely remodeled from the ground up, everything is new. It has a beautiful wooden wrap around porch, all tile floor, it comes with all the appliances (in black) & it's three bedroom & two bathroom. I absolutely adore it & Justin seemed to like it too. We called & left a message, hopefully they'll call us in the morning. We house hunted all day & that was the only decent place, almost $200 over our budget. There's nothing available right now, even all of the apartment complexes are full. Well, except for one new complex that's really nice & we tried to look at it, but I wasn't aware that it was income based & Justin makes $20,000 over the budget.

We were supposed to see baby number two for the first time today but I had to cancel because my insurance is still pending. They said they would still see me, but they suggested I wait since we were going to have to pay $600 up front. I stressed that I'm around twelve weeks & haven't had any prenatal care, but she assured me that if I'm not cramping or bleeding & I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, then I should be fine. She told me to just reschedule when my insurance comes through, but just in case I'm going to go ahead & make an appointment in two weeks, insurance or not. That's just way too long without making sure everything is okay, in my opinion.

Since we were out running errands all day I missed a lot of time with Stella. She stayed with my mom so we could go house to house without her having a complete meltdown. Whenever I finally got home to see her she was just so precious. She has the fattest face when she smiles, she looks just like her Uncle Jesse, my brother. She sat in her seat in the living room & had beef stroganoff & corn & applesauce for dinner with some decaffeinated unsweet tea! While she ate she watched The Voice with us. She LOVES that show, she just loves music but she came by that honestly. 

After her dinner she had a bath & since she kind of has a small diaper rash we let her roam around without her suffocating diaper on. It was probably about ten minutes later that it hit me that she was being very quiet...not a good sign with her. I looked over at her & noticed that she had pooped all over herself & the floor & was just playing in it, wiping it all over her. How did that happen so fast?! I was mortified! Of course she had to have another bath & after that I had to scrub the carpet, which was a very horrible job. UGH.

That's my girl <3

Much needed family time.

This weekend was so relaxing & just what I needed. Well, it's what we all needed. Justin was home from work the entire weekend which allowed me to get some mommy stuff done. I finally went through with my hair appointment & that alone puts a smile on my face. Fresh color & a new cut would make any woman happy! I also went to Sally's & stocked  up on new make up since I was running low on basically everything. Oh, & I did my nails! Hahaha, I feel so refreshed & girly. 

Friday was just a lazy relaxation night. Justin & I went & bought cherry Icees & popcorn & watched Water for Elephants since neither one of us had seen it before. My pregnancy appetite started to hit at around 2:00 am so of course I went to Whataburger & got some breakfast--Breakfast on a Bun w/ sausage & syrup. Ha! When I came back home Stella was awake playing with her toys in the living room. That's her fourth night in a row to wake up & want to play. It doesn't help that Justin gets her even more riled up instead of trying to comfort her & calm her to get her back to sleep. It can be extremely frustrating. 

On Saturday Stella stayed with her Mimi & Justin took us out to dinner. Unfortunately that's where our night ended, we were so tired afterwards that we came straight home & passed out. I'm sure we were both just in a food coma, too much shrimp. Although, I don't think such a thing exists.

Today was so much fun, I love days spent as a family since it's usually just me & Dink because of Justin's work schedule. The three of us went to Texas Roadhouse for lunch & I swear Stella is a bottomless pit. She had an entire roll, all of the eggs out of my salad, an entire kid's cup of water, half of her bowl of mac & cheese & her applesauce! She behaved very well too. She sat right next to Ma'am & kept giving me big sloppy kisses during the entire meal. Oh my, it just melted my heart. Once Stella was done eating though, she was ready to get out of there. She let everyone know too by screaming at the top of her lungs & grabbing food off of the table & tossing it everywhere. Needless to say, we asked for the check! Luckily though, we had already finished eating at that time. 

Once we were done eating Justin surprised me by taking me shopping for some new clothes. Every day I struggle to find something to wear because all of my clothes are either too small or fit me awkwardly. I'm too big for my current clothes but way too small for any kind of maternity outfits, so he was thoughtful & took me to go buy some things today (: Then the three of us went to get ice cream & again, came home & passed out. 

Now Stella is having sweet dreams & Justin is at work. I'm probably about to lay down soon (surprise) because I have my first OB/GYN appointment tomorrow!

 Dinky with her big blues & bed head.

 Just some goodies that Justin bought for me (:

 We were just acting like idiots out on the back swing.

I love him, so much.

Just late night blabbering.

Stella is finally in bed, I'm not sure if she's sleeping or not. After a warm bottle, pj's & an hour of rocking her with no sign of sleepiness, I just had to lay her down. Since birth she has slept in her crib & she has never had a problem going to sleep on her own. When it's time for bed, we do our bedtime routine which consists of bath time, pajamas, a bottle, & then I lay her in her bed. She's usually passed out within fifteen minutes. NOT ANYMORE. For about three weeks now she demands to be rocked...to drowsiness. She will never fall asleep in your arms. Now, if I even try to lay her in her crib (like before) she will sit in there & play for who knows how long, I've never tested it! One night she did keep herself occupied for an entire hour. I was also trying to go to sleep but I kept getting up periodically to check on her, because she just wouldn't relax, in hopes that she would doze off. After an hour, I had to put her in her bed in our room. That was close to a month ago & that phase hasn't passed. 

We had music class tonight & I thought it was a lot of fun. I teach it, along with my mother. Last night we downloaded a lot of new music & brainstormed on some new activities & props to freshen up the class. Needless to say, tonight was really cute & fun! Usually music class is one of Dinky's favorite things. She adores music & moving along with it. She has really great rhythm which she did not get from me, that's 100% her dad. Since she has become such a pro at crawling & climbing on things though, she hasn't really enjoyed music class; being confined to one place & everything. Tonight she just wanted to do her own thing. Since music class is supposed be fun & a form a free expression, we let her go for it! 

Afterwards, Stella was tired so she ended up going to her Mimi's while Justin & I went out to eat. We chose to go to a Chinese buffet, only because my pregnancy cravings were so strong for it. Once we got there, I didn't even finish one plate. ONE PLATE, BUFFET? Yes, a complete waste of money when you think about it. Justin & I had a really nice time during dinner. I don't think we have talked that much or laughed so hard with each other in awhile (we have a lot of stressful situations active in our lives right now). It was very nice.

I don't plan on pulling an all nighter tonight, although this "Women Who Kill" marathon is catching my attention. I have to wake up to go get my hair cut & colored. I will say it now, I am so very excited. I've had to cancel this hair appointment twice now. Once because Stella had a stomach virus, poor baby, & once because Stella was acting like a devil child. Finally, I get to have a Mommy Day & I might even grab a nice lunch for myself while I'm out. I might get crazy & paint my nails! Justin is off work this weekend, which also makes me very giddy. He works a very strenuous schedule, only getting two days off every month. When he is home from work it is always such a treat. I hate that his schedule is so horrible, but I'm extremely grateful that he provides & takes care of his family the way he does, allowing me to stay at home with our daughter. 

Since he's going to be home I'm sure we'll start packing up our house. We are moving out of our second home in nine months. That's insanity, right? I think we've finally learned our lesson that old, quirky & charming doesn't mix with young kids. Not Stella or the one on the way. We've decided that we're actually going to downsize too.....eeeeeek! Horrible! We are going from a 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bath, living room & den, fenced in back yard brick home to an....................APARTMENT. Yes, we are leaving our home for a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom nothing-special apartment. We're having a lot of problems with our old, rusty rental now, so we figured an apartment would be an easy solution. They're usually always available, they have appliances (we don't have any we can take with us), & most importantly NEW & CLEAN. We just figured we will move into a worry free, easy apartment temporarily (6 month lease) while we search for our first home to buy as a family! We just really want to take our time looking & buying a home for our children & ourselves, & we can always extend our apartment lease if we have to. 

Well, that's about all that I have on my mind right now & baby number two is telling me to go snoop around in the kitchen. Ugh, I hope I don't gain 100 lbs. with this pregnancy like I did with Stella....

Her "music class is so annoying" phase....

Today has been a day wasted.

Dinky (Stella) did not sleep last night. Usually this wouldn't be a problem for me because I'm a fan of staying up late, but once it starts to hit 5:00 am or anything after that....I need sleep. She kept waking up pretty much every two hours, just to wake up. She didn't want to eat, she didn't feel bad. She just wanted to sit in my lap & watch TV with me. We ended up snuggling in the recliner with a quilt, all the lights off & watched Fried Green Tomatoes. I will admit, although I was very tired at this point, I enjoyed it. Stella does not like to give love. She's not one to snuggle or be sweet or just relax, even.

At only 10 months, she is already pretty hyper active. I'm not a young first time mother who thinks her child is out of control simply because I'm not experienced with children. I'm very experienced, actually. I've worked in child care for the past five years. I'm well aware that it is just my child, which admittedly, she probably gets it from her dad. She only wants to play, she is constantly on the go. Getting her to sleep has become increasingly difficult because she has a hard time taking a second to slow down. She is always moving, always, always, always talking. Even in her sleep, she's never fully asleep. Dink also has a little naughty streak, which I suspect will only get worse with age. She's well aware of the meaning of no. But many times throughout the day, if I leave the room, I'll come back to find her doing something that she isn't supposed to. Only to see her stop as soon as she sees me, because she knows it's wrong. She's very smart. She's also very stubborn & she has the art of a tantrum down to a science. She has two emotions & two emotions only. She's either very, so extremely, obnoxiously happy OR she is down, as low as it gets, extremely dramatic, screaming & yelling. As you can see, she keeps me on my toes.

Last night was a very rare thing, getting all of this sweet love from her. I was rocking her with the quilt covering one side of her head, because she enjoyed that as a newborn, & I just started to think of the first few weeks of her beautiful life. Having all of those memories rush back was very heartwarming & made me anxious for our next child to be born. I will say though, I don't know how it's possible to love someone as much as I love Stella. People have been doing it since the beginning of time though, so I guess it's my turn to see for myself.

Dinky didn't 100% go down until almost 9:00 this morning. Oh my dear, it was horrible! Needless to say, this Ma'am went down with her. Side note-Stella doesn't call me mom, mommy, or mama. She calls me "Ma'am" for some reason! We both ended up sleeping until 3:30 this afternoon. I'm not really complaining, we both needed sleep or else no one would be able to handle us, but I just hate the fact that we wasted so much of our day. Not to mention I had some errands to run today that I didn't get to, hopefully tomorrow isn't too late.

Now us girls are going to finally get dressed & we're going to go to music class. Stella being the student & me being the teacher. We'll meet up with her dad, who has been sleeping since he works nights, & he will be the parent during music class. Sometimes we pretend that we don't even know each other, it can add a little excitement, hahahah. Afterwards, we'll probably go out to eat as a family, since that's what we do on Thursday nights & once dad is off to work & the little one is bathed & asleep, I'll probably stay up ridiculously late watching old episodes of House & I'm okay with that!

It's a personal situation, but it breaks my heart.

It's 1:30 AM & my night is just beginning. I swear I'm in a daze all day & then as soon as the late hours hit I'M ALIVE!!! 

This happens to be the third night in a row that I've found myself thinking about Paige. Paige is my fiance's (Justin) six year old niece. She is currently living with his parents, her grandparents. They officially adopted her shortly after Rachel, Justin's older sister & Paige's mom, passed away. I find myself thinking about her because I feel such sadness for her. Not just because her mother has passed on or because her biological father doesn't have a relationship with her, but also because of her situation now. 

I just want to state that Justin's parents are people who actually have never been fit parents. They weren't to their own children back in their youthful days, & they aren't to their granddaughter now. His mother & father have done many horrible things as parents, they have made poor & irrational decisions time & time again. Plus, his mother is mentally ill. Those stories are for a rainy day though. This is about Paige.

Paige is six years old & she already takes Clonidine (for hyper activity) & Melatonin (to get her to sleep). Justin's mother also forcibly drugged all four of her own children. Again, another issue for me to rant about at a later date. Paige has no friends, only the friends that she sees for a few hours at school. Paige is six years old & has never stayed the night away from her adoptive parents. When I was pregnant with Stella, my daughter, Paige was ecstatic. She would only talk about Stella's arrival all day every day. Getting to play with Stella, her & Stella staying the night with each other. Shortly after Stella was born Justin's mom & myself had a very big falling out. I mean, HUGE, GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS, falling out. A rift so bad that almost a year later it's still active. Because of this, Stella & Justin's parents don't have a relationship. We made that decision for the safety & well being of our child. Unfortunately though, this means that Paige also has no relationship with Stella. She has probably only seen Stella a handful of times & actually forgets who she even is sometimes.

I didn't mean to leave Paige in the dust. I never wanted that from this situation, but, it's a very complicated & impossible situation. Justin's mother is an impossible & irrational woman. Paige is a very beautiful girl. She is extremely intelligent & very funny. She's also missing out on a childhood. Her childhood is already abnormal because of the passing of her mother & neglectfulness of her father, but Justin's parents are making it worse.

They told her Santa wasn't real, neither are the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny. Why? Well, because "Why should those imaginary figures get to take credit for things I do?" Yes, his mother said that, she's very self absorbed. Paige talks openly about male & female private parts & about death. She has no problem blurting out that her mother was a "drug addict" who died from "taking so many pills!" She also talks about how much she "HATES OBAMA!" I'm sorry, but I feel like they have taken so much from her. It's great to be intelligent & aware of what's going on around you, but I personally feel like she is already too mature. Maybe my childhood was a little sugar coated, but that's okay. I remember having a fun & highly imaginative childhood without a care in the world! The way it should be. As I grew, I learned & experienced. Isn't that what growing up is? I just feel like that have stolen a lot of her innocence from her.

Paige has no one. Since Justin & I aren't in contact with them, Paige only has her grandparents. Her grandfather, who is hard working man & who gets tired. Her grandmother, a very depressed & bitter woman who can hardly stand to get out of bed every day. That household is unfit. I feel like they're ruining her, like they have ruined the rest of their children. There I said it.

I wish she could live with us. I want to save her, I want to care for her & love her & give her everything that she needs & wants. It's just not fair for her.

Paige & Stella during Christmas.

Paige & Stella the day after Stella was born.

Here's a little somethin' about me.

Okay, so basically I am a mother whose peak hours are at night. I am a night owl & it happens to be one of the most annoying traits. It's especially annoying when you have a 10 month old who wants to wake up at 8:30. I know, I really shouldn't complain because 8:30 isn't really that early. WELL, to someone so sucked into the night as myself, 8:30 is like waking me up at the crack of dawn. Especially with another baby one the way, I'm increasingly exhausted. I guess I forgot to mention that yes, I am a mother of a 10 month old daughter & I am indeed pregnant again! I'm still in my first trimester. 

I guess I'm starting this blog because I'm a mom who loves to gab about her super adorbs. & rambunctious daughter. I guess I'm starting this blog because I'm pregnant & I'm actually worried about it & I want to talk about it. I guess I'm starting this blog because I'm young & in love with the most hilarious human being & I enjoy sharing the absurd things that come out of his mouth. I could be starting this blog because I need a place to vent, we all need to vent sometime. Actually, maybe I'm starting this blog because I'm an insomniac & my lover works nights & my sweet baby sleeps so I'm bored out of my mind. Who REALLY knows.